Juv's Arse Cream

Rather than treat the symptoms of eczema, I prefer to prevent the conditions that cause it for me: dry skin. This simply means I have to take care of the skin on my hands to avoid eczema from flaring up. The frequently prescribed ointments for this purpose, at least in the UK, are aqueous cream and something called "Oilatum", besides those anything that is considered a hand moisturiser that isn't scented is also often used.

Having tried a lot of these products I've found all of them undesirable in some way or the other. They might not be scented but some of them smell terrible, they are often oily so everything you touch leaves oily prints, I work with computers and that is undesirable. The ones that are water based seem to not moisturise well either, the moisture just evaporates and I've even had it that my skin ends up even drier after that, it is like the cream absorbed some of my skin moisture and that then also evaporated. Some of them even caused my eczema to flare because of using them. Multiple applications are often required during the day, especially with the water based ones or if you've had to wash your hands a few times from doing dirty work like work on a vehicle. A single annoyance like the oily prints might be acceptable once a day, but when you have to put up with it multiple times over it becomes a problem.

Being a bit of a researcher I put some effort into investigating this problem and the result of much experimentation over time culminated in "Juv's Arse Cream". In the beginning I just called it my hand cream/balm/ointment, I didn't have a name for it. When I told the group of guys I ride motorcycles with about it someone immediately called it "arse cream" and, obviously, everyone else followed suit in an amusing effort to annoy me; there was no point resisting so I embraced it.

I make Juv's Arse Cream using organic jojoba oil and beeswax (pronounced "hohoba"). Jojoba oil, aka jojoba wax, is extracted from the jojoba plant (Simmondsia chinensis) and is really a wax in oil form. Its composition accounts for its exceptional shelf life stability and extraordinary temperature resistance. In 1943, during the Second World War, the US used it as an additive in motor oil, transmission oil, and differential gear oil. Machine guns were lubricated and maintained with jojoba oil. Its molecular structure is remarkably similar to sebum, the natural oil produced by human skin glands. Consistent use of jojoba oil is thought to help regulate the skin's oil production. Medically, jojoba oil can relieve headaches, throat inflammation, and treat wounds. It has anti-inflammatory, antimicrobial, antifungal, and insecticidal properties. It has negligible toxicity and known to have been used as a hunger inhibitor by native Americans, but is indigestible and, when consumed in larger quantities, acts as a laxative in humans. Even though you might not have heard about jojoba oil before, if you've ever had a massage it is likely that the massage oil's base ingredient was jojoba oil. The oil has a pleasant light earthy/nutty scent to it, I personally find it relaxing. Applying jojoba oil to one's skin is a bit messy, it runs and drips. Even keeping it in a bottle that seals well, you inevitably get some seeping around the bottle cap and it goes onto something you don't want oil on.

Beeswax (cera alba) is a natural wax produced by honey bees. Beeswax has been used since prehistory as the first plastic, as a lubricant and waterproofing agent. Beeswax is edible, has a similarly negligible toxicity, and is approved for food use in most countries and in the European Union. However, due to its inability to be broken down by the human digestive system, like jojoba oil, it has insignificant nutritional value. Beeswax has a significant amount of uses, it is the sealing and binding properties that are of interest to me. Beeswax has it's own unique light scent and it pairs excellently with that of jojoba oil. The wax I use is unadulterated by toxic additives and is unbleached, it is the main contributor to the pleasing light yellow colour of Juv's Arse Cream.

Mixing the jojoba oil and beeswax into the usable product that it is now took a lot of experimentation on and off over the course of several years. The first batch was very lumpy and inconsistent and I had to figure out ways to better blend it without heating it too much. Different ratios of the components also produced drastically different results from very hard to very sloppy. Much of the time experimenting was spent on figuring out the perfect ratio of oil to wax. I wanted it so that it will not be too hard to use in the cold of a UK winter, but also that it won't be a soft oily mess in the heat of summer. The combination of this ratio and the particular procedure I've come up with to blend it now results in a perfectly uniform product that has those desirable properties. It is serviceable as long as you don't put it in a freezer or leave it lying in direct sunlight on a hot day, and if you do you, simply remove it from that extreme environment and leave it to reach ambient temperature and it will go back to its original state.

I put this on my hands once a day when I am about to go to bed. A little goes a long way, the oil part of it moisturises the skin and the wax part of it protects from moisture loss. Both jojoba oil and beeswax do not feel oily or leave much of an oily residue. It will even survive a few times of lightly washing your hands. It is also easy to wash out of clothes/bedding with a bit of soap and warm water, no special anything needed, just wash them as you normally would. For me the once a day application is all I need for most of the year to effectively have no eczema outbreaks (yay!), but in winter I might put some on in the morning when I get up or partway through the day as the central heating in the house and the cold when outside are both good at drying out skin.

Besides the intended use to keep my hands moisturised to avoid my main eczema trigger, I've found it to be an excellent all round moisturiser for dry lips, elbows, heels, etc. I don't use it on the skin of my face as I think it might clog pores, but just about everywhere else it's been fine. I use it to treat the leather of watch bands, belts, shoes, motorcycle gloves and motorcycle boots. The treatment keep them supple and makes water bead off rather than soak in, in the case of the motorcycle gear it's made them waterproof again after having leaked before. Brand new boots or gloves I might acquire get a treatment even before their first use and then a maintenance coat once a year. I have leather Alpinestars winter gloves, the Gore-Tex in them lasted about a year before starting to leak, since then I've used them for more than a decade and I've waterproofed them many times over with my Arse Cream. I find a preventative application before the season starts is best, then I don't have to worry about them leaking at all. In recent years I've not ridden much in winter, but kept up the quick application so they don't dry out as they still get plenty of use over the rest of the year, UK weather can be cold/wet/both even in the middle of summer. Since it is non toxic I also use it to treat and seal wooden cutting boards in the kitchen and wooden handles of knives and tools. In fact, not just the handles, but also the metal blades as it creates a seal that prevents rust. In a pinch I've even waterproofed a leaky tent seam with it, used it as a beard moisturiser/softener and lubricated a stubborn zipper back into good working order.

Additionally, I've also found that it is great at soothing burns/scalds/insect bites/scratches/bruises/rashes/cold sores/chafing and various other minor injuries. I've put it on road rash from a motorcycle crash and used it to help keep the healing scars on my knee from the same crash from going hard. The anti-inflammatory, antimicrobial, antifungal, and insecticidal properties of the jojoba oil means it is a versatile first treatment when out in the middle of nowhere with only what you can carry. It is also a great after sun moisturiser when you've been caught without sunscreen and not realised you've been getting sunburnt until it was too late. It goes without saying that it is a good cuticle and nail conditioner, an automatic side effect of using it as a hand moisturiser. On the subject of hands again, I use it as a barrier cream when I am going to do dirty or oily/greasy work, especially when I work on vehicles. In this case I put it on thicker than I usually would and get it worked up halfway towards my elbows. I also work in a little of it in under my nails and into my cuticles, the typical places where dirt likes to lodge. Doing this stops oil/grease/brake dust/etc. from coming into contact with your skin directly and when you're done and wash your hand with soap it all comes off easily with the protective layer of Juv's Arse Cream applied beforehand. Sometimes it's enough to just wipe your hands with some paper roll or rags depending on how dirty they got.

I'm sure you can come up with some more uses if you use your imagination, I even have it from a reliable source, one of the guys that rides motorcycle with me, that his wife has actually put some on her arse...